well now, here's something.

Haven't seen her online for quite a while, figures she must have been studying. never thought I'd be able to reply her when she IMed me cause I was kinda unsure of what to say, or more accurately worried about what I MIGHT say. I mean, it's been months since I've had any form of contact, and I can feel but not remember why a feeling of guilt whenever I look at her display name. But now that's she's actually chatting with me it's a good sign that whatever happened has passed on.

I remember how my mother and cathechism teachers would always ask me to forgive and forget the wrongs that have been done to me but it's unfortunately gone out of hand. I forget the wrongs, but never seem to truly forgive and I certainly do not forget the feelings connected with that wrongdoing. As a result, I can remember that I have been wrong or have wronged a particular person but never remember why. What's worse is that the feeling whether it be anger, sadness,pain or just plain discomfort always resurfaces when I see that person. It's annoying, cause it makes me unable to rationalize the event and conclude whether I was in the right or wrong, and worse, unable to do anything to amend it. She, was such a case. whenever I hear of her, see her name when I scroll through my contacts list or notice her in public it's always accompanied by a feeling of sadness, whether of failure or regret I cannot seem to pin down. It's stupid, I mean I know so little about her and yet I still can get emotionally attached to her. And it's wrong too, she's already got a boyfriend and all, continuing to have any emotional link to her makes me feel like a damn idiot. And she's a friend, how can I do this to her?

I had considered just breaking all contacts once before, and I don't know whether it was me or her who did it but there was no contact for a long time...... and then now this. I suppose this is a blessing in disguise, it has abolished the guilt and sadness away. I'm really thankful to her, she's a great friend.

For my part, I'll just be as I've always been, never locking the door but keeping a close watch for the turning of the handle; cause you jsut never know who might want to come in, friend or foe.