Numb

Today I felt real numb. The whole day just seemed to fly on by, People talk to me, but nothing seems to register in my mind. As I shuffled on through the day, it felt as if I was only watching a movie from the first person's prespective.

I couldn't get a grip on reality, and right up to my addmaths tution it just kept getting worse and worse. I thought a walk home might clear my head, so when the time hit 4.45 p.m I began to walk back to my house which was only about 2 or 3 kilometers away.

It didn't help one bit. In fact , if it did anything at all I only felt even worse.

I probably should explain. I am a Paranoid, unsocialable, pessimistic guy who thinks about the future too much. whether it's going to the mall or just getting to the church on sunday, I can't stop myself from making possibility scenarios in my head. For example, When I go to the mall my mind instanly makes three "bad happening" scenarios and three "good happening" scenarios that play over and over again in my mind until one of them actually happens. which in fact happens most of the time.

How does this all relate? the feact I always predict the happenings before they actually happen makes life feel so scripted. I just always seem to know whats behind that bend, but not do anything to stop myself from colliding into it. It's like I've aready scripted out my entire life, and because it's all my script it's just too predictable.

I've tried meditating. It either send me to sleep or makes me think even more. I've tried not thinking. but with so much unanswered questions and anathema screaming in my mind already it doesn't help at all.

The ironic thing about it all is that I was the sole cause for having that habit in the first place. It was me who thought myself high and mighty, believing that i was capable of handling what I thought then as "productive method of predicting possibilities."

But because of my pride, I now bear the full consequence of seeking knowledge of the future. I always have a burning pain in my heart that never goes away no matter what I do. Nothing can change what I did. But it was I who jumped on this sinking boat, and it's gotta be me who jumps back out. the only problem now was how to get about it.

Then it hit me when I got home. I've heard from my friend Kelvin that blogging is a good way to sort out your thoughts and do that badly needed mind defragmentation. So that's basically why I started this blog. Maybe, just maybe with enough things removed from my mind I can finally see the right track once again.

Inner peace is what I seek. and through these word, I hope I find it.