I'm a Muh' fuckin Renegade

lol, for a blog post this took two days to write out.

RENEGADE
Artist: Eminem
Album: Curtain Call: The Hits


[Jay-Z]
Motherfuckers -
say that I'm foolish I only talk about jewels (bling bling)
Do you fools listen to music or do you just skim through it?
See I'm influenced by the ghetto you ruined
That same dude you gave nothin, I made somethin doin
what I do through and through and
I give you the news - with a twist it's just his ghetto point-of-view
The renegade; you been afraid
I penetrate pop culture, bring 'em a lot closer to the block where they
pop tosters and they live with thier moms got drop roasters from box robberies niggas crouched overmommies knocked up cause she wasn't wached over knocked down by some clown when child support knocked no he's not around tnow how that sound to ya, jot it down
I bring it through the ghetto without ridin 'round
hidin down duckin strays from frustrated youths stuck in they ways
Just read a magazine that fucked up my day
How you rate music that thugs to nothin relate to it i help them see their weight through it not you cant step in my pants cant walk in my shoes bet everything your worth you lose your tie and your shirt

[Eminem]
Since I'm in a position to talk to these kids and they listen
I ain't no politician but I'll kick it with 'em a minute
Cause see they call me a menace; and if the shoe fits I'll wear it
But if it don't, then y'all'll swallow the truth grin and bear it
Now who's these king of these rude ludicrous lucrative lyrics
Who could inherit the title, put the youth in hysterics
Usin his music to steer it, sharin his views and his merits
But there's a huge interference - they're sayin you shouldn't hear it
Maybe it's hatred I spew, maybe it's food for the spirit
Maybe it's beautiful music I made for you to just cherish
But I'm debated disputed hated and viewed in America
as a motherfuckin drug addict - like you didn't experiment?
Now now, that's when you start to stare at who's in the mirror
and see yourself as a kid again, and you get embarrased
And I got nothin to do but make you look stupid as parents
You fuckin do-gooders - too bad you couldn't do good at marriage!
(Ha ha!) And do you have any clue what I had to do to get here I don't
think you do so stay tuned and keep your ears glued to the stereo
Cause here we go - he's {*Jigga joint Jigga-chk-Jigga*}
And I'm the sinister, Mr. Kiss-My-Ass it's just a
[Chorus: Eminem + Jay-Z]
[Em] RENEGADE! Never been afraid to say
what's on my mind at, any given time of day
Cause I'm a RENEGADE! Never been afraid to talk
about anything (ANYTHING) anything (ANYTHING), RENEGADE!
[Jay] Never been afraid to say
what's on my mind at, any given time of day
Cause I'm a {RENEGADE} Never been afraid to holler
about anything {anything?} Anything {ANYTHING!}

[Jay-Z]
I had to hustle, my back to the wall, ashy knuckles
Pockets filled with a lot of lint, not a cent
Gotta vent, lot of innocent of lives lost on the project bench
Whatchu hollerin? Gotta pay rent, bring dollars in
By the bodega, iron under my coat, feelin braver
Doo-rag wrappin my waves up, pockets full of hope
Do not step to me - I'm awkward, I box leftier often
My pops left me an orphan, my momma wasn't home
Could not stress to me I wasn't grown; 'specially on nights
I brought somethin home to quiet the stomach rumblings
My demeanor - thirty years my senior
My childhood didn't mean much, only raisin green up
Raisin my fingers to critics; raisin my head to the sky
Big I did it - multi before I die (nigga)
No lie, just know I chose my own fate
I drove by the fork in the road and went straight

[Eminem]
See I'm a poet to some, a regular modern day Shakespeare
Jesus Christ the King of these Latter Day Saints here
To shatter the picture in which of that as they paint me
as a monger of hate and Satan a scatter-brained atheist
But that ain't the case, see it's a matter of taste
We as a people decide if Shady's as bad as they say he is
Or is he the latter - a gateway to escape?
Media scapegoat, who they can be mad at today
See it's easy as cake, simple as whistlin Dixie
while I'm wavin the pistol at sixty Christians against me
Go to war with the Mormons, take a bath with the Catholics
in holy water - no wonder they try to hold me under longer
I'm a motherfuckin spiteful, DELIGHTFUL eyeful
The new Ice Cube - motherfuckers HATE to like you
What did I do? (huh?) I'm just a kid from the gutter
makin this butter off these bloodsuckers, cause I'm a muh'fuckin

[Chorus] - repeat 2X

[Jay-Z]
Motherfuckers -
say that I'm foolish I only talk about jewels (bling bling)
Do you fools listen to music or do you just skim through it?
See I'm influenced by the ghetto you ruined
That same dude you gave nothin, I made somethin doin
what I do through and through and
I give you the news - with a twist it's just his ghetto point-of-view
The renegade; you been afraid
I penetrate pop culture, bring 'em a lot closer to the block where they
pop tosters and they live with thier moms got drop roasters from box robberies niggas crouched overmommies knocked up cause she wasn't wached over knocked down by some clown when child support knocked no he's not around tnow how that sound to ya, jot it down
I bring it through the ghetto without ridin 'round
hidin down duckin strays from frustrated youths stuck in they ways
Just read a magazine that fucked up my day
How you rate music that thugs to nothin relate to it i help them see their weight through it not you cant step in my pants cant walk in my shoes bet everything your worth you lose your tie and your shirt

[Eminem]
Since I'm in a position to talk to these kids and they listen
I ain't no politician but I'll kick it with 'em a minute
Cause see they call me a menace; and if the shoe fits I'll wear it
But if it don't, then y'all'll swallow the truth grin and bear it
Now who's these king of these rude ludicrous lucrative lyrics
Who could inherit the title, put the youth in hysterics
Usin his music to steer it, sharin his views and his merits
But there's a huge interference - they're sayin you shouldn't hear it
Maybe it's hatred I spew, maybe it's food for the spirit
Maybe it's beautiful music I made for you to just cherish
But I'm debated disputed hated and viewed in America
as a motherfuckin drug addict - like you didn't experiment?
Now now, that's when you start to stare at who's in the mirror
and see yourself as a kid again, and you get embarrased
And I got nothin to do but make you look stupid as parents
You fuckin do-gooders - too bad you couldn't do good at marriage!
(Ha ha!) And do you have any clue what I had to do to get here I don't
think you do so stay tuned and keep your ears glued to the stereo
Cause here we go - he's {*Jigga joint Jigga-chk-Jigga*}
And I'm the sinister, Mr. Kiss-My-Ass it's just a
[Chorus: Eminem + Jay-Z]
[Em] RENEGADE! Never been afraid to say
what's on my mind at, any given time of day
Cause I'm a RENEGADE! Never been afraid to talk
about anything (ANYTHING) anything (ANYTHING), RENEGADE!
[Jay] Never been afraid to say
what's on my mind at, any given time of day
Cause I'm a {RENEGADE} Never been afraid to holler
about anything {anything?} Anything {ANYTHING!}

[Jay-Z]
I had to hustle, my back to the wall, ashy knuckles
Pockets filled with a lot of lint, not a cent
Gotta vent, lot of innocent of lives lost on the project bench
Whatchu hollerin? Gotta pay rent, bring dollars in
By the bodega, iron under my coat, feelin braver
Doo-rag wrappin my waves up, pockets full of hope
Do not step to me - I'm awkward, I box leftier often
My pops left me an orphan, my momma wasn't home
Could not stress to me I wasn't grown; 'specially on nights
I brought somethin home to quiet the stomach rumblings
My demeanor - thirty years my senior
My childhood didn't mean much, only raisin green up
Raisin my fingers to critics; raisin my head to the sky
Big I did it - multi before I die (nigga)
No lie, just know I chose my own fate
I drove by the fork in the road and went straight

[Eminem]
See I'm a poet to some, a regular modern day Shakespeare
Jesus Christ the King of these Latter Day Saints here
To shatter the picture in which of that as they paint me
as a monger of hate and Satan a scatter-brained atheist
But that ain't the case, see it's a matter of taste
We as a people decide if Shady's as bad as they say he is
Or is he the latter - a gateway to escape?
Media scapegoat, who they can be mad at today
See it's easy as cake, simple as whistlin Dixie
while I'm wavin the pistol at sixty Christians against me
Go to war with the Mormons, take a bath with the Catholics
in holy water - no wonder they try to hold me under longer
I'm a motherfuckin spiteful, DELIGHTFUL eyeful
The new Ice Cube - motherfuckers HATE to like you
What did I do? (huh?) I'm just a kid from the gutter
makin this butter off these bloodsuckers, cause I'm a muh'fuckin

[Chorus] - repeat 2X


Was bored, and thought "hey, why don't i talk about how and why I became the guy I am now? I mean, I keep saying it, but I always say it's too long story to tell, so I'd better record it before I forget.

Well, I suppose it started in my first two years in St Joseph School. The first year was crammed full of me just trying to fit into my class. I'm from a chinese school originally, and I tell you when people like me, trusting, soft hearted and madly honour and prideful trying to adapt into one of the lesser classes was a serious bitch indeed. I was so used to interaction in a Chinese school, and I tell you it is a whole different system than any other school I know, trying to fit into St Joseph was as hard as a freshwater fish living in the ocean; near impossible. Run ins with gangsters, fighting and losing (because I had gotten too puffed out that I had a black belt at the time I had no idea how to fight a street battle, so naturally I lost a lot. Thankfully though, after a few fights they eventually got on that I was never going to be an easy target, cause even though I was terrible at fighting, I would fight anyway.) getting picked on by everyone with hands and enough eye coordination to throw things at me broke my spirit down badly.
When I nearly gave up hope (my mother refused to file a drop out or transfer requests, and with my emotions all fucked up I couldn't study well so my results were terrible and I couldn't escape the class) help came from an unexpected angle; J, mr. fat ass and ego.
He was originally part of the group that revelled in making my life miserable. At first, it was joke, ganging up with sebastian (another classmate) he would go on about how a change in attitude was all I needed to make all my problems go away. later, when he was about to pull another prank on me, he suddenly noticed that I was doodling all over my exercise book(it was a habit of mine, I had once childishly thought of it as my trademark) he was curious as to just how good I was, and challenged me to replicate a traced Mecha for him on paper. I succeeded, he accepted me as a friend, and asked me to keep to draw in a proper book so I could look back at my work and see how I progressed. He wasn't the best friend, egoistic, annoying, cruel and usually a dumbass, but he was the only light I could find in that dark ocean, so I clung on as best I could.
Form 2 was trouble of a whole new kind; interaction with large fanatical groups. I had finally stabilized myself within the school and I knew how to handle myself among my classmates. Then, A tuition friend of mine K had invited me to come and help out some Christian youth group with their Big gathering, The ER06. Going there made me meet new friends like Cyril, Derek and Adrian, and made me understand my faith a lot better.

Then, I think I screwed up. K had a crush with a girl in the youth group, and because of my teasing, I accidentally let the cat out of the bag. K resented me for it, and childish as it was he sought my humiliation as revenge. For the next two years until form 4 he constantly tried to bring me down, doing childish but very cruel things like alienating me from the groups at youth gatherings, gossiping to people about me blah blah blah…. ( I’m just giving you an idea of what he did, I’m not going to remember everything, cause it’s too painful as it is tormenting.) Seeing him do this let me see the ugly side of the youth group, of course it wasn’t just him. What pisses me off the most was that people believed him to the point that they just assumed it all to be factual and acted in accordance. So at these gatherings instead of the kindly people I thought I knew more and more angry or disgusted faces began to look in my direction, and the more convinced I was that the so called evangelic youth group which preached kindness and forgiveness was nothing but a group of wrapped up hypocrites.
But it was during form 2 that I also met V. it was the usual thing that K did when he found me online on msn; bring me into a random group conversation and then trash talk me. This time it was my cousin D and someone called rei. I just let myself go on the usual defensive, countering him here and there whenever I didn’t like what he was insinuating ( call me a nerd, whatever. I call it my sub routines so there.) but I noticed that rei wasn’t joining in the trashing (D was joining in just fine though) so I thought maybe she ( I found out later she was really a she, lol) wasn’t as bad as the others I’ve met. So I talked to her in another chatbox, found out that she was indeed as I had suspected dragged in by D and so I added her, and basically, we just began chatting from then.

she gave me something to do when I had free time on my com at night, and most Fridays she was online so we’d just chit chat till either one of us had to log off. She liked Tsubasa chronicles, did sketching of her own (I rarely showed her my works though, because back then I was only good at robots and aliens; science fiction otaku) had a friendly disposition and was fun to talk to. There was one thing that was unpleasant about her though; when she chatted, she sounded very suicidal. Back then I was still friendly with the youths, and I had adopted the persona of a Guardian angel because I believed and wanted to help people back on the right track. She looked like good field work to me, so I tried to snap her out of that emotional state. But, the more I tried, the more I became cynical. They say that many young people who try to change the world usually end up defeated and discouraged with each passing day in the field. I was one of them, with every conversation I had with her ended up with things getting worse, and her dark melancholic view of life influenced me a lot. I would never quite gain the lofty good guys always win perspective ever again.
But throughout the time we talked, I found myself becoming increasingly attached to her, and wondered for a while whether I had become infatuated, merely pitied her or perhaps it was love. So I decided to give it a shot, and tried asking if she was taken, whether she had any feeling for anyone special, stuff like that. But she caught on, and told me straight that she saw me only as a friend. I try to respect that as best I can, even now I still greet her with a smile. I narrowly fell in love with her, and even now I still feel something heavy in my heart whenever I hear of her. But that aside, after a while, my inner demons surfaced for the first time and made me question myself as to just who I was to try and change people, what gave me the right. These doubts were increased when rei told me that it was hurting her to talk to me anymore, and soon I gave up the persona, I gave up trying to change her, and ultimately I gave up trying to be good.
I left the youth group near the end of form 2, and by then I was a but a shadow of the person I once was. I had wizened up, burnt many of my old bridges and had built a cold hard wall around my ruined heart. No more was I kind, caring or thoughtful, I had become vengeful, hateful, cruel as I was destructive (in Sarawakian slang I had also become “emoish”). I had come careening close to the edge of abyss, and while I know some people may have had it worse, I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I simply didn’t. I took my stand there and then, and made sure I wouldn’t have to take shit from anyone ever again.
Thankfully though, that didn’t last long. At a particularly boring scout meeting I met a someone who was to become the closest thing I had to a best friend, Amir. At first it was just roping with someone I didn’t know, but then we both started talking, and we found we had a lot in common. He was an A class student, and had a wider way of thinking that clicked well with me. Although I could never talk any philosophies of life with him cause he’s so carefree and annoyingly non emotional (i.e, everything was a joke in it’s own twisted way) He was still a good friend, and would stick by in my times of trouble, help me out when I needed it ; and in his own words when he was asked about me by his sister (which she then told me), to me he is also “ fucking annoying, but I wouldn’t have him any other way.” He got me into Eminem, and later in form 4 various classic rock bands like Deep Purple and Guns & Roses. We could talk for hours and hours on end, and there was never a dull moment when he was around. We were inseparable whenever there was a scout gathering or meeting, and later he and K (who had then seemed to have forgiven me about what happened, but not surprisingly enough he never thought once of apologizing to me about the pain he had delivered back to me tenfold. =.=) would bring me into the robotics club where now I’m head of engineering. I had found a true friend, and later I would finally regain my senses and get myself back on the right track to self improvement.
Form 3 was the year I would finally go all out to fix the fucked up life and person I had become. I was no longer on the retreat, I had begun to fight back. Essentially though, I was an ass in form 3. I was cruel in my speech, I gave no one quarter when I struck blows against egos and hypocrites, especially hypocrites. I did what I had to do to reach my goals, there was no compromise for anyone. I said what I felt like saying, at any given time or day, I had lost respect for everything save god in life.
But in the end, I successfully pulled the wrecked slag heap that was me back on track, slapped on enough bandages and steeled myself well so I couldn’t and wouldn’t ever be belittled or hurt badly ever again.
Form 4 has nothing of worth to note, as the year has been quite quiet and uneventful save the district camp and my trips to Jakarta. But I’m hoping that in the upcoming Break Free dance party ( I go simply because I am bored and curious to see just what can happen) something special might happened. Well, I keep my fingers crossed, and hope for the best.