It's come back.

My fear seziures, they've come back.

I thought I've beaten them, but they just been waiting for a chance to come at me, hiding in the deepest darkest corners of my mind, a fear of death.

It came back last night, when I had let my mind wander too far with unexplainable questions about the afterlife that I had let my mind grace over a heretical yet horrifying possiblity; What if god didn't exist? What happens if there isn't an afterlife, what if what lay before us after death was silence, a cold silence with no feelings, no thoughts, nothing. I had tried to imagine what it might be like, it frightened me terribly, thinking of an eternal sleep without dreams, imagining what might it be like if I simply wasn't there. The fear of that gripped me and threw me awake crying for help, mother, father, anyone older who I could cling to for help. Being the eldest wasn't good at all, it meant that you had no one else to turn to, noone smarter to consult, and if you didn't know it then that was it. I suppose the combined fear of death and being alone just hit me so hard last night I just stopped thinking. I only felt myself getting a grip after I had ran all the way down to my grandparent's room and had knocked on the door. I felt real silly, and had to conjure up an excuse that my air conditioning had broken down to cover up the real reason why I had knocked on the first place.

Long ago I had been beaten so badly by that fear grip that I had sought for Jesus's help and confirmation that he was there. I think he responded, because I never felt that fear again up to this point. I suppose being human and all, I tend to forget Jesus's loving embrace that soothes, that heals no matter how many times it happened to me. With my supicious nature, I think not even god appearing to me and saying "I am the lord and I exist!" would make me believe for long, cause I being human would have rationalized it with natural explainations like maybe I was drunk at the time.
sheesh, it really takes godly patience and understanding to stick with me despite my constant skepticizims. lol, what irony in that sentence.

Well, the fear siezure has gone for now at least. I wish we all never had to face it, death. But it's there, everyday we tick just a day closer to it. I'm scared, very scared. I'm scared that I would dissappear, but not about my name. I don't care if I'm struck from history, or that not even my family remembers me after I go, but I am scared, oh so scared that my soul would dissappear. hell and all it's tortures do not scare me as much compared to losing my identity and conciousness, my ability to think, to remember, to dream. So, I'd so much be at rest knowing there's SOMETHING waiting for us on the other side, rather that a deep dark fissure into oblivion.

I was crying last night from pure fright, I swear. I really need someone, I hate being alone...I don't want this, it's, so cold, so empty...