That's quite a development if there ever was one.
Kenji's no longer in ascendancy. I don't hear Samiel screaming for vengeance. Haruki.... You're alive again. My god, this day is one of many surprises.
I saw her. Was just going to sit down and eat lunch when I realized I knew that car in front of me. I couldn't shake off the feeling of familiarity of the way it was parked always far away from the mamak, how the engine would always be idle, because she'd always park hillside if she could. And my suspicion was validated when I saw her lover walk over to her car and jump right in. I knew. I saw.
And I realized I no longer cared.
It no longer hurt. I was so frightened of bumping into her I would hide up in the gym between the hours of 4-7. It sliced new wounds whenever I was foolish enough to blunder into a picture of her when I scroll down the newsfeed. But now, when I've actually seen her, actually knew for a fact that I had the time to walk up and see if for myself, I didn't want to anymore. I didn't feel compelled beyond the mild curiosity if my assumption was correct. I just took a long puff, then smiled.
I had a friend of mine sit me down the night before and discussed this with me. No advice, nothing jarringly obvious, nothing religiously attenuated. For the first time in a long while I sat down and discussed my situation with someone who completely argued with logic. Not the magic man in the sky telling me it's wrong. No socially obvious approaches to the subject of being the bigger person.
He actually smiled at the notion that I wanted to become the bigger person. Because all it was doing was making me join a competition I was never built to fight, striving on what essentially was her home turf.
He showed me I wasn't living for myself enough. Birth and death are facts of life, but what is mine laid in between. And this whole time, I gave the only thing that was truly mine, to another who treasured it not.
He told me to strip away the face from what I loved about her; and essentially at it's core it was someone who I could swing between deep and meaningful discussions one minute and light hearted banter in the next. I did just that, and what I realized was that no matter what face I replaced it with, I could still love it. She wasn't one in a million any longer. The bad outweighed the good, but I kept raising the good to be enough to hide all the faults. I kept telling myself that I could love her no matter how bad it got, because I went and placed her good points on a pedestal so high, it was able to eclipse even rationality. I, as he pointed out, settled. I told myself this was enough, when it wasn't. The pedestal is not part of the sculpture. I deluded myself to the very end, and suffered for it.
So my eyes were opened. My heart felt, clear. I did not want her, not anymore. I may still harbor love for her, because first loves never really die. But I don't care about her. She can do whatever she wishes. She can camwhore all she likes, play dress up to society's delight and pretend that this is what she is, not someone who wore baggy clothes and jeans, a victim of low self esteem, and someone I fell in love with. It no longer matters.
Because right now, I can live my life for myself again. I am going to push on for myself, and be proud of it, as I always have been despite what the Malaysian asians always say. I don't want to be a lawyer, For what I once tolerated for love, then pursued to merely prove a point, is just not worth wasting my life over. I want to go for game design again, and do something that I can actually live with no matter what happens to my life. I don't want to care about what my hair color is, because it will be what pleases ME. I want to find the truth, to no longer be constricted by the notion of any religion being right any longer, to actually either prove to myself one is right or all are wrong, or if there truly is an underlying reality to it all that would finally grant all the answers and satisfy my lust for truth.
Parang, samiel, haruki and kenji are all me, yet not me. For once, neither are in ascendancy. I feel that Aaron is finally coming into maturity, and the rate it progresses is irrelevant. Because I won't be a ghost that merely inhabits the body any longer,
I will,
be.
And I realized I no longer cared.
It no longer hurt. I was so frightened of bumping into her I would hide up in the gym between the hours of 4-7. It sliced new wounds whenever I was foolish enough to blunder into a picture of her when I scroll down the newsfeed. But now, when I've actually seen her, actually knew for a fact that I had the time to walk up and see if for myself, I didn't want to anymore. I didn't feel compelled beyond the mild curiosity if my assumption was correct. I just took a long puff, then smiled.
I had a friend of mine sit me down the night before and discussed this with me. No advice, nothing jarringly obvious, nothing religiously attenuated. For the first time in a long while I sat down and discussed my situation with someone who completely argued with logic. Not the magic man in the sky telling me it's wrong. No socially obvious approaches to the subject of being the bigger person.
He actually smiled at the notion that I wanted to become the bigger person. Because all it was doing was making me join a competition I was never built to fight, striving on what essentially was her home turf.
He showed me I wasn't living for myself enough. Birth and death are facts of life, but what is mine laid in between. And this whole time, I gave the only thing that was truly mine, to another who treasured it not.
He told me to strip away the face from what I loved about her; and essentially at it's core it was someone who I could swing between deep and meaningful discussions one minute and light hearted banter in the next. I did just that, and what I realized was that no matter what face I replaced it with, I could still love it. She wasn't one in a million any longer. The bad outweighed the good, but I kept raising the good to be enough to hide all the faults. I kept telling myself that I could love her no matter how bad it got, because I went and placed her good points on a pedestal so high, it was able to eclipse even rationality. I, as he pointed out, settled. I told myself this was enough, when it wasn't. The pedestal is not part of the sculpture. I deluded myself to the very end, and suffered for it.
So my eyes were opened. My heart felt, clear. I did not want her, not anymore. I may still harbor love for her, because first loves never really die. But I don't care about her. She can do whatever she wishes. She can camwhore all she likes, play dress up to society's delight and pretend that this is what she is, not someone who wore baggy clothes and jeans, a victim of low self esteem, and someone I fell in love with. It no longer matters.
Because right now, I can live my life for myself again. I am going to push on for myself, and be proud of it, as I always have been despite what the Malaysian asians always say. I don't want to be a lawyer, For what I once tolerated for love, then pursued to merely prove a point, is just not worth wasting my life over. I want to go for game design again, and do something that I can actually live with no matter what happens to my life. I don't want to care about what my hair color is, because it will be what pleases ME. I want to find the truth, to no longer be constricted by the notion of any religion being right any longer, to actually either prove to myself one is right or all are wrong, or if there truly is an underlying reality to it all that would finally grant all the answers and satisfy my lust for truth.
Parang, samiel, haruki and kenji are all me, yet not me. For once, neither are in ascendancy. I feel that Aaron is finally coming into maturity, and the rate it progresses is irrelevant. Because I won't be a ghost that merely inhabits the body any longer,
I will,
be.
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