Hard line after hard line.

Head's swimming with pain from another sleepness night, the throbbing only magnified by the awful smell of fresh paint that hung around the Taylor's Library. The day had just entered it's midphase, and the sun beat down outside like an oven on high. And this is just another day at Taylors.

Oh I didn't mention did I? I'm now in Taylors college.

Real nice place, reminds me of St Jo, but with less screaming, fighting, general hooting and nasty teachers stalking the walkways.... Ok maybe not so much of St Jo. Perhaps what struck me as similar was the building itself really, simple cream colors and construction SOMEWHAT reminiscent of the Old Boys block. Life had slowed down in the course of this month, and the initial excitement of entering college died along with the constant reminder that this was a Malaysian college. Life here really isn't that much different from Kuching, Just no car, no sister, Less cash and more contact with friends. Made some new ones too, GREAT joy there.

Am I trying to be sarcastic? Perhaps. Maybe I just need to see how things will pan out with these new people, there is that old saying about how time changes people's perspectives of others.

Not accessing my blog for so long has really let the mind drawer cram up, if it wasn't for the periodic meditations (or better known as stoning) my mind would've exploded in the residue of life's doubts that plagues all my mind every day.

I lost again yesterday night. It really sucks, telling and promising the lord that I'll do it and failing him every three days or so. I think the closest I ever got to fulfilling my promise was that one time before,(I had mentioned it in my blog) only to have it being broken again two days later.

I really hate myself for that, yet at the same time, I continue to do it. Has my self control become that useless to the point that I can't even hold check of myself for more than a week? I guess my past two years of trying is a clear answer to that.

Tick tock, round the clock. Waiting for Law to end so I have something to do in this otherwise boring College.

I realize how my luck will never change so long as I continue to break my pledge to god like this. It's almost going to be the same problem as before; I become a friend to them, but never anything more. Maybe it's just how I am? I don't like the bachelor life, and sure as hell don't want the religious one. But I can't seem to fit in the middle category can I? And now I'm in college, where I thought things might be different since now I have more contact with people of the opposite sex, but shit's never that easy. Guessed I entertained that naive thought for too long haven't I?

Seriously, can't they make more things for people to do in this college? If it's not eating, it's the web, if not the web it's the web in the library, and if not the web in the library it's outside the campus. They should totally make a sleeping lounge. That ISN'T a fucking block away.

Extremity over moderation, or moderation over extremity, which one, oh which one....
Am I an extremist because I do everything to the max or a moderator because by doing everything to the max I have equal parts of good and bad, negating each other and creating this neutral medium in between.

Perhaps I am both, That by reaching for those extremes I strike a balance in my inner soul, possibilities beyond the grasp of the norm are opened wide, and maybe, just maybe, I can finally reach that simple clarity I seek. The one I had lost so long ago when I let my mind wander into ideals mortals were never meant to ponder on, trains of thought I was never supposed to go on as a child.

But fuck it, I am who I am now, too late to wonder about the what ifs of what might've happened if I had just let myself go through the regular motions of a typical 20th century Chinese teen from the town of Kuching. That would've been a dreadfully boring life to lead anyway.

Ah, hedonism. I pursue the different, the thought provoking and the things in life that thrill my logic engines. They are addictive indeed, but are also what lands me in those danger zones. Oh the irony, I crave for what I condemn.

I've got about half an hour left before class starts, so I'll sign off now.