ciq*.....

Well, with the exams just around the corner I'll be sure to TRY and study, but then again, I wonder is it worth it?

I suppose it's not for me to question why do I HAVE to study biology, chemistry or History even when in most carrer chioces this has no direct application, and it's certainly troublesome to argue as to why the moral subject be included in the Malaysian SPM and STPM exams.... I'm just speculating, mind you, not thinking about voicing my opinion to the Malaysian education system anytime soon.

I seriously wonder just excactly WHERE I'm headed in life, no great skills, unamazing academic results.... just a strange, constantly worrying mind to get through the present. Being Noisy, annoying, dangerous, clumsy and absolutely mad doesn't help either. I dont think I'll end up a pauper, cause I would always find some odd job to stay alive, and I doubt I'll be a boss of any company, my public speaking is terrible and so is my communication skills. Clerk? nu-uh, I would never be able to stay in any cubicle looking at number sheets, I would probably be fired for slacking off. field worker? maybe, but on what field? Manga artist? too big a gamble, but if I find good artists who'll work with me and a publishing company for us it'll work.

it's too bad I can't just go hermit, hide in the mountains, tend to a farm and spend my entire life in solitude. A small town would be perfect, but I doubt it'd be Kuching, I'll never enjoy life here with so much hatred against me. Japan or the Camerons would be great places to go to, but I suck at my japanese and cameron costs too much to live there. Lol, auld lang syne by celtic bagpipes just came on.... hmm, scotland would be nice.... but I guess it might be hard to live there, me being yellow and all.

social life? as if I ever had one. family life? would love to start one, I just love little kids, and a wife who understands, loves, tolerates and trusts me is exactly what I want. Having a family of my own, I wouldn't mind staying in Kuching for their sake, cause I have people to support me. But this is all looking too far into the future.

I love drawing, it's true. But I can't always do it when I want to, and I'm only capable of doing comic art. then comes style adaptability, almost noone has a similar style to mine, and that makes working with anyone to make a comic virtually impossible. I probably could earn some cash being a taekwondo instructor, that doesn't pay much....

I'm naturally a trusting person, but with the people I live and interact with I have had to go against it, cause there is virtually NOONE in the entire town of Kuching, let alone my school or the opposite school who I can trust. No matter who they are, friend or foe, even best friends, I cannot trust them with my thoughts or true self. This is why I am so reluctant to let even a single person in my entire "friend" network about my blog. If they see this, my true self..... I don't know what would happen.

The reason I can't trust anyone in my friend network enough to let them see my blog is because my weaknesses, problems and silent cries for help would fall on deaf ears. Worse, they would make use of this blog to alienate me further, destroy me or just make a mockery of it all. I couldn't bear that, no way.

But why am I dronning on about all this anyway? heh, it all started with the sarcastic notion about studying certain subjects to be pointless. and it's evloved into my plans for the future, my hopes and dreams and even my current worries rolled up into this single post.

nvm, I'm tired, I don't want to type anymore.