Hi.

It's so strange how a song can provoke such a looong train of thought. Two years since I last touched my venting post into space. One minute you stumble onto a Florence song, the next you're just reminiscing about how far you've come. Take two minutes down memory lane, and then you suddenly remember that you have a blog. Not the blog where you post work and satisfy the grade scheme; nope, just a blog where the rule was simply to write whatever was on the mind at the time, no matter what. No edits, no fixes beyond the occasional grammatical error. It's good exercise, it's good archiving.

It's good de-stressing.

I haven't been this productive in years. Fuck it, I have never been this productive PERIOD. 1 year into the Game Design Degree and I'm just chewing up the competition, organizing events, leading teams and generally just making up for 21 years of loafing around. I build props, I make costumes. I build games, I sing whenever I'm free. I spar with foam swords and go bezerk in nerf games. It's gloriously fun and addictively satisfying to stand tall with accomplishments I could never claim before.

But christ, I have never felt so tired.

I've gotten into a stable relationship; first one since the destructive roller coaster years past. I haven't had a girlfriend who's supported the things I do as much as she has, and I count my blessings every day that I have someone like her to keep me going strong.

There were rocky times in the past two years; emotionally abusive friendships that took hell and steel to break out of, brothers I thought lost returned and loyalties stronger than ever. My truest, most loyal brother lost to me forever by my own stupid mistakes and desires. Politics within the club executive council's got me all fired up and wishing strangling rats was legal.

Today for once I've gotten a night to myself. A night that could be spent just messing around, maybe playing through one of the many many games I haven't finished. And yet, here I am wishing I had things to do. 3 years after the incident, and I finally understand why she did the things she did. It doesn't come close to excusing the pain, but it helps me be aware of the little steps that slide you down the path of cold hearts and prevent myself from doing that to my dran.

I don't want to do that to dran. She doesn't deserve to have someone that cold as her boyfriend. Every moment I can I try to give her attention and love that I can steal away from my work, but work is hectic and deadlines don't finish themselves. I smoke almost religiously now. I know it's a bad habit borne of depression and a moment of weakness, but I literally CANNOT stop. The moment I think I've got enough time to kick the habit another explosion of work and stress hits like a tidal wave and only a nic fix is strong enough to keep me kicking back.

Parang's made a reappearance again. Not as a persona this time; I'm still Aaron. It's just become easier for people on campus to know me by that name. Less confusion, much easier to remember. All those years ago when I was a disjointed mess I wouldn't have expected my personalities to amalgamate the way they do now. It's all in harmony. Is this growing up? Is asking that question proof I've yet to grow? Do we ever really stop growing? Is anyone going to wonder if that's a biological question and go full smartass in the comments? Who knows, who the fuck knows.

I'm me. And finally after 5 years of struggle, I'm back to me, being just me.